I have always liked this quote to remind me that positive reinforcement is important:  “Be hearty in your approbation, and lavish in your praise.” Charles Schwab.   Catch him making the right choice with his behavior and heartily praise him for it.

Here are some words of advice from Susanna Wesley from Susanna, Mother of the Wesleys (Abingdon Classics):

“When turned a year old they were taught to fear the rod and to cry softly, by which means they escaped abundance of correction which they might otherwise had had, and that most odious noise of the crying of children was rarely heard in the house . . .”

“They were so constantly used to eat and drink what was given them that when, any of them was ill there was no difficulty in making them take  the most unpleasant medicine . . .”

“In order to form the minds of children, the first thing to be done is to conquer their will and bring them to an obedient temper.  To inform the understanding is a work of time, and must with children proceed by slow degrees, as they are able to bear it; but the subjecting the will is a thing which must be done at once, and the sooner the better, for by neglecting timely correction they will contract a stubbornness and obstinacy which are hardly ever after conquered, and never without using such severity as would be as painful to me as to the child.  In the esteem of the world they pass for kind and indulgent whom I call cruel parents who permit their children to get habits which they know must be afterwards broken.”

“And when the will of a child is totally subdued, and it is brought to revere and stand in awe of the parents then a great many childish follies and inadvertences may be passed by.  Some should be overlooked and taken no notice of, and others mildly reproved; but no willful transgression ought ever to be forgiven children without chastisement less or more, as the nature and circumstances of the case may require.  I insist on the conquering of the will of children betimes, because this is the only strong and rational foundation of a religious education, without which both precept and example will be ineffectual.  But when this is thoroughly done, then a child is capable of being governed by the reason and piety of its parents, till its own understanding comes to maturity, and the principles of religion have taken root in the mind.”

“I cannot yet dismiss the subject.  As self-will is the root of all sin and misery, so whatever cherished this in children ensures their after wretchedness and irreligion: whatever checks and mortifies it, promotes their future happiness and piety.  This is still more evident if we farther consider that religion is nothing else than doing the will of God and not our own; that the one grand impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness being this self-will, no indulgence of it can be trivial, no denial unprofitable.  Heaven or hell depends on this alone, so that the parent who studies to subdue it in his child works together with God in the renewing and saving a soul.  The parent who indulges it does the Devil’s work; makes religion impracticable , salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to damn his child body and soul forever.”

“Our children were taught as soon as they could speak the Lord’s prayer, which they were made to say at rising and bedtime constantly . . . They were soon taught to be still at family prayers, and to ask a blessing immediately after, which they used to do by signs, before they could kneel or speak..

“They were quickly made to understand they might have nothing they cried for and instructed to speak handsomely for what they wanted . . .”

In due season you will reap the rewards of your labor. Galatians 6:9  And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Seven Basic Stages of Life

1.  Foundation Stage  -  (birth through 6)

Focus on Discipline

A. Attentiveness
B. Obedience
C. Contentment
D. Neatness
E. Reverence
F. Forgiveness
G. Gratefulness
H. Faithfulness
I. Truthfulness
J. Security
K. Meekness
L. Cautiousness

Mother primarily works with child during this stage. Father’s responsibility is to keep mother happy.

2.  Training Stage (6-12)

Focus on Information

A. Patience
B. Dependability
C. Determination
D. Punctuality
E. Discernment
F. Loyalty
G. Compassion
H. Alertness
I. Thriftiness
J. Responsibility
K. Virtue
L. Tolerance
M. Fairness
N. Joyfulness

Father has the important role in this stage.  Begin Life Notebook

3.  Skill Stage (12-20)

Focus on Self-Control

A. Wisdom
B. Self-Control
C. Discretion
D. Diligence
E. Endurance
F. Deference
G. Sincerity
H. Generosity
I. Humility
J. Enthusiasm
K. Initiative
L. Love
M. Creativity
N. Decisiveness
O. Sensitivity

4.  Apprenticeship Stage  (age 20-30)

Focus on Serving

A. Thoroughness
B. Responsibility
C. Flexibility
D. Availability
E. Hospitality
F. Gentleness
G. Boldness
H. Persuasiveness

5.  Ministry Stage  (age 30-50)

Focus on Ministry

6.  Counsel Stage (age 50 to End of Life)

Focus on Guidance

7.  Heritage Stage (Left to Others after Death)

Focus on Written and Living Epistles

Here are a few things you might try:

Talk to your child about the fact that God gave us hands to love, help, pray, etc.

Sing “Be Careful What You Do Little Hands.”

Share 2 Timothy 2:24 – “Be gentle to all”.  Make up a song using the verse and naming who or what we should be gentle with:  be gentle to your friends, your pets, your books, etc.

Demonstrate a gentle touch.

Find pictures of children hugging or touching an animal gently.

Pray with your child, asking God to help him be gentle to all.

You might try putting him in his crib to isolate him.  Tell him he can come out when he learns to control his hands and be gentle.

Read Under Loving Command (Children Fun or Frenzie) for some really helpful discipline pointers.

Don’t give up! Be consistent and pray.  You will see the fruit of your labor – the fruit of gentleness which is one of the 9 fruit of the spirit!

I went to a seminar years ago that dealt with this very issue. I’m sorry I don’t remember who led the seminar but one point stands out.

Truth   +   Space   +    Prayer   +    Unconditional Love  =  A Changed Life!

• Lay the proper foundation of the truth of God’s Word.
• Give them their space . . . let them take flight!
• Continue in warfare praying.
• Show them unconditional love when they return
• This will result in a changed life.

St. Augustine is held in great esteem in Christianity.  But he was not always saintly.  He fell into a rebellious lifestyle and fathered a child out of wedlock.  He was heavy into drinking.  His mother was a virtuous woman by the name of Monica. Sometimes she almost despaired; but she was greatly comforted by a Christian friend who said to her, “A son of so many prayers cannot be lost.” Some time after that he was converted and went on to be one of the founding fathers of the church.

Max Lucado has said, “God has too much invested in a wayward believer to leave them where they are!”

If you have a child who is adrift and wandering from the Lord, meditate and pray the following scriptures . . . there is power in praying the Word .

• 2 Tim. 3:14-15 (NKJV)  
But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
• Proverbs 24:15-16 (NKJV)  Do not lie in wait, O wicked man, against the dwelling of the righteous;
    Do not plunder his resting place; 
 For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again, But the wicked shall fall by calamity.
• Proverbs 11:21 (NKJV)  Though they join forces, the wicked will not go unpunished;
    But the seed of the righteous will be delivered.
• Proverbs 12:7 (NKJV)  The wicked are overthrown and are no more,
    But the house of the righteous will stand.
• Isaiah 59:21 (NKJV)  “As for Me,” says the Lord, “this is My covenant with them: My Spirit who is upon you, and My words which I have put in your mouth, shall not depart from your mouth, nor from the mouth of your descendants, nor from the mouth of your descendants’ descendants,” says the Lord, “from this time and forevermore.”
• Jeremiah 24:5-7 (NKJV)  “Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel: ‘Like these good figs, so will I acknowledge those who are carried away captive from Judah, whom I have sent out of this place for their own good, into the land of the Chaldeans. [6] For I will set My eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land; I will build them and not pull them down, and I will plant them and not pluck them up. [7] Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the Lord; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart.
• Psalm 23:3 (NKJV)   He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
• Ezekiel 11:18-20 (NKJV)  And they will go there, and they will take away all its detestable things and all its abominations from there. [19] Then I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within them, and take the stony heart out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh, [20] that they may walk in My statutes and keep My judgments and do them; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God.
• Jeremiah 31:16-17 (NKJV)  Thus says the Lord:”Refrain your voice from weeping, And your eyes from tears; For your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord,And they shall come back from the land of the enemy. There is hope in your future, says the Lord, That your children shall come back to their own border.

Prayer is the mightiest weapon in the universe.  Use it to reclaim your children.

This looks at the sons but focuses on the father. The dad does everything right as he responds to his son.  We see a seven-fold response.

1. The dad let him go without rejecting him. He could have easily said, “Ok, take your inheritance but don’t ever come back here.  The dad allowed the son to make decisions that he knew would not be the best for the son…he respected his son enough to let him make his own decisions. Of course, age is a factor . . . you don’t let a 8 year old, or a 16 year old have this total freedom yet.  Real love grants this freedom to a child of age even if you know it is the wrong decision . . . and you don’t reject them.  Sometimes the best lessons learned are those that we learned through a wrong decision.
2. The dad never stopped caring. Luke 15:20b (NKJV)  . . . his father saw him and had compassion. Everyday that the son was gone, the dad would look and watch intently for his son to return.  Why? . . . he loved his son with all his heart!
3. The dad’s love ran deep.  Luke 15:20b-c (NKJV)  . . .  his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. The dad could have been disgusted with the son.  No . . . this dad loved his son no matter what he looked like, smelled like . . . no matter what wrong he had done!
4. The dad’s love was not conditional. Luke 15:20 (NKJV)  And he arose . . . and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.  The dad did not say, “Are you repentant?”  He didn’t ask.  He didn’t wait to see a broken will in the son.  His love for his son was unconditional . . . ”I love you no matter what!”
5. The dad humbled himself in front of all.  Luke 15:20 (NKJV)  …he ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. In that day and age, it was a disgrace for an older man to run in public. He would have to pull up his outer garment and gird it . . . this was undignified.  This dad didn’t care about this. He humbled himself and ran to his son!
6. The dad gave the son undeserved generosity.  Luke 15:22-24 (NKJV)   But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. [23] And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; [24] for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.‘ And they began to be merry. This is nothing more than pure grace!  The tough question is, “discipline or grace?”  In this case, I believe that God had already disciplined the son…now God directs the father to show grace.  For most of us, we probably err on the side of discipline rather than grace.
7. The dad totally accepts the son. Luke 15:21 (NKJV)  And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ The dad does not lay down the new ground rules…that will come later…for now, the dad just needs to accept his son . . . as if the deed had never happened!

This is one of the most wonderful illustrations of responding to a child that goes astray.  The dad knew what complete forgiveness looked like:

• It was immediate.
• It was total.
• It was forgotten.  It was not, “I’ll forgive but I can’t forget!”
• It was costly.  If the son bore the price, it was justice. If the father, bore the price, it was forgiveness.  The dad just simply absorbed the son’s wrongs.
• It was restorative.  The former relationship was re-established.

This is the way my heavenly Father loved and forgave me . . . why should I do anything less?  Do you kknow what prodigal means?  It means ‘excessive or extravagant’.  So you have an excessive and extravagant son being given excessive and extravagant love and forgiveness by the dad!!!

But what do you do between the time of their departure from the teachings of Christ and their return?  This is when the heart aches.  So what do you do?  Tomorrow’s post will address this.

What do you say?  Who do you blame?  What do you do?  God is the perfect parent and we are His children…and we rebel.  So, even perfect parents have problem children. Children have freewill also.  We can stand around and point fingers all day long to cast blame…what good does that do?  What is important now is the steps that are needed to reclaim the children for Christ.

The story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) is a great passage to help us understand what happened and how to respond as a parent.  I believe that the one principle that comes through the loudest is this:  Parents must demonstrate love and forgiveness to their children.

I can remember in the first church that my husband pastored, one of the deacons of the church had a daughter who was very rebellious and was dating a guy of whom the dad did not approve.  The guy and girl were sexually active and she ended up pregnant.  I can remember the night we heard the deacon say in anger to his daughter, “As far as I am concerned, I have no daughter!”  I will never forget the look on the face of the daughter.  A few weeks after this the girl gave birth to a still-born baby. She was devastated and wanted to see her dad…but her father could not be convinced to go to his hurting daughter.

Establish this rule:  Nothing will cause me to ever stop loving my children!

The father of the prodigal son experienced the same thing that we experience when one of our children rebels against the things that they were taught.  The father experienced rejection, humiliation, and guilt. When the son walked in and asked for his inheritance, he was saying, “I value my share of the inheritance more than you…so give it to me now!”  In essence, he was saying, “I wish you were dead so I could get the inheritance now.”  The son rejected the dad, his customs, and his values.

This had to be humiliating. The custom of the day was that your family would buy a plot of ground and keep it in the family for generations…you simply pass it to your children and they in turn pass it to theirs.  This son walked in and said, “I want it now!”  The father gave it to him, and the son then sold it for cash. Oh how humiliating and disappointing that must have been to this dad…especially to see someone move onto the land that had been in the family for years.

The father was stunned by all of this.  The questions began:

• Where did I go wrong?
• What did I do to make him hate me?
• Why doesn’t he want to be with me anymore?

The father’s mind went back and forth through all the mistakes that he has made as a dad.  These were actions or lack of actions or words that he wished he could correct . . . but it was too late. The more he thought about it, the more the guilt piled up.

But with all the rejection and humiliation and guilt, the story of the prodigal son is more about a loving and forgiving dad than anything!

Remember these two principles:

Parents must demonstrate love and forgiveness to their children.

Nothing will ever cause me to stop loving my children!

Next post will look at the father’s response to the son.

Here are some scriptures I was claiming when we were going through some struggles with one of our children who has since returned to the Lord!!!!!!!

Proverbs 20:7 (NKJV)
The righteous man walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him.

Jeremiah 24:5-7 (NKJV)
“Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel: ‘Like these good figs, so will I acknowledge those who are carried away captive from Judah, whom I have sent out of this place for their own good, into the land of the Chaldeans.  For I will set My eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land;
I will build them and not pull them down, and I will plant them and not pluck them up.  Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the Lord; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart.

Jeremiah 31:16-17 (NKJV)
Thus says the Lord: “Refrain your voice from weeping, And your eyes from tears; For your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord, And they shall come back from the land of the enemy. There is hope in your future, says the Lord, That your children shall come back to their own border.

Proverbs 11:21 (NKJV)
Though they join forces, the wicked will not go unpunished; But the seed of the righteous will be delivered.

Proverbs 12:7 (NKJV)
The wicked are overthrown and are no more, But the house of the righteous will stand.

Proverbs 24:15 (NKJV)
Do not lie in wait, O wicked man, against the dwelling of the righteous; Do not plunder his resting place;

Jeremiah 4:1 (NKJV)
“If you will return, O Israel,” says the Lord, “Return to Me; And if you will put away your abominations out of My sight, Then you shall not be moved.

Isaiah 59:21 (GW)
“This is my promise to them,” says the Lord. “My Spirit, who is on you, and my words that I put in your mouth will not leave you. They will be with your children and your grandchildren permanently,” says the Lord.

- – Comforting Words from the Lord!!!! Our children will “come back from the land of the enemy” “to their own borders” with “their whole hearts”!!!

May you have a fulfilling year training up children!!!!